


The Twins of Dollington Manor

by LestradeIsBae



Category: Original Work
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:22:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27698236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LestradeIsBae/pseuds/LestradeIsBae
Summary: Hayden and Noah Sandwell are seventeen-year-old twins in Year Twelve at Dollington Manor, a prestigious boys boarding school. Hayden is a high achiever with plans to study Law at Cambridge. Noah is less academic but still focused and determined to succeed, aiming for a career as a Children's Nurse. Hayden's life revolves around academia, whereas Noah recognises the value of a balanced life. When the pressure builds up and the expectations of his parents and the school begin to overwhelm him, Hayden finds the future he hoped for shattering around him. Can his brother and friends help him discover the beauty in life?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is an original short story written by me from September 2020-November 2020. I have previously published a trilogy on A03, which I wrote during the first UK lockdown. 
> 
> This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

The sun rose, blinding and golden, over the lakes of Dollington Manor. The Manor House stood strong and magnificent in the centre of the grounds of the boys’ boarding school. The rising sun glittered off of the gleaming windows, and birds twittered softly in the apple trees that were dotted around the courtyard.

It was April, and the weather was warm with a light breeze. The boys of Dollington Manor were due to start their exams in the following few weeks. The boys in year ten were preparing for their mock examinations, the year eleven boys were preparing for their GCSE’s, the year twelve boys were preparing to sit their AS Levels, and the year thirteen boys were sitting their final A Level exams which would decide which university they went on to. Many of the boys of Dollington Manor went on to study at top English universities, including Oxbridge and the Russell Group universities, and some even went to study abroad at Canadian and American universities. There were never any students who did _not_ go on to university; that was completely unheard of at Dollington Manor.

Two boys who were preparing to sit their AS Levels at Dollington Manor were Hayden and Noah Sandwell. The twins were the sons of Adrian Sandwell, an esteemed Neurosurgeon at a famous London hospital, and Rebecca Sandwell, nee Palmerton, a Judge, who also worked in London. The boys had been boarding at Dollington Manor since they were thirteen years old. They were very different in nature but got on considerably well for brothers.

Hayden was studious and academic, aspiring to follow in his mother’s footsteps and pursue a career in Law. He hoped to apply to Cambridge later in the year. There was little in his life aside from academia. He didn’t see the point in partaking in any extracurricular activities, aside from reading his extensive literature collection. Anything else would be a distraction, and he couldn’t allow distractions. He was predicted straight A*’s in his AS Level examinations in Law, English Literature, History and Politics.

Noah, on the other hand, was less academic but still focused and determined to succeed. He aspired to be a Children’s Nurse, a career that was unfortunately looked down upon by his family, who argued that he should aspire to ‘something better’, with a ‘higher salary’. Nursing was Noah’s dream, and he wouldn’t let his families opinions dissuade him from it. He allowed time for fun and games and was a keen golfer and tennis player, with a healthy social life. He was predicted straight C’s in his AS Level examinations in Biology, Chemistry, Sociology and BTEC Sport. He hoped to improve on his grades over the next year, but he wasn’t going to put an excessive amount of pressure on himself. He wasn’t going to let anyone else pressure him either. The teachers at Dollington Manor expected only the best from their students, and it was certainly a high-pressure environment, but Noah was careful to protect his own mental health. He had been compared to his brother throughout his entire life, and it wasn’t always easy to let the comments and snide remarks go over his head. It was always the worst at family gatherings. The twins’ grandparents and aunts and uncles, like their parents, were privately educated Oxbridge or Russell Group university graduates. It was a lot to live up to.

Hayden and Noah shared a room at Dollington Manor. They resided in Hawthorn Cottage; their bedroom window overlooking the clear sapphire lake. Hayden always awoke first in the mornings and would turn on the small lamp on his bedside table, which was bright enough for him to see the room clearly but not too bright as to wake Noah, though Noah was the type to be able to sleep through anything. Hayden would read several chapters of whatever book he was currently immersed in, or he would scroll through the latest news articles on his phone, or study. On this fine day in April he decided to begin the day with reading. He was currently halfway through _Wuthering Heights._ He deemed it a beautiful book; a work of art. He could picture the scenery and the characters like they were right there in the room with him. His brother didn’t have any interest in reading, preferring to be in the outdoors. Hayden couldn’t understand his brother.

Noah usually awoke about half an hour to an hour later than Hayden. He would roll over from whatever position he had awakened in, and then slump into another position, usually on his stomach, his face buried into the cool pillow. He’d be in a bit of a daze for a while, half-asleep and still muttering something related to whatever odd dream he had been having. Hayden would go to the window and slowly open up the curtains, giving Noah time to get used to the influx of light. Noah would groan and roll out of bed, rubbing at his eyes. He always had showers in the morning, whereas Hayden generally had showers in the late afternoon or evening. Whilst Noah was in the shower, Hayden got dressed into his uniform. Many schools in England do not require Sixth Formers to wear uniform. Some do not even implement a dress code whatsoever. Dollington Manor was not one of those schools. Sixth Formers had to be in the full uniform and would be in detention if found to be diverging from that. Hayden had never had a detention throughout his time at Dollington Manor. Noah had had a few, though never for anything particularly serious. On most occasions it was because he had failed to get his homework completed on time. Once it was because he accidentally sprayed Lynx in another boy’s eye in class. Deodorants were not meant to be used in class, but Noah had deemed it was better for him to break the rules on this occasion rather than engulf the class with his sweaty stench after his Physical Education class. He would have sprayed the deodorant in the changing rooms, but he had been lagging behind and would have been late to class had he stalled even further to freshen up. He regretted his decision when he faced an hour of after-school detention.

The uniform was smart royal blue trousers, a crisp white shirt, a royal blue blazer with the school logo embroidered in gold and red, and a scarlet red tie. The uniform was completed with a royal blue bowler hat encircled with a red ribbon. It was quite a sight to behold. Still, it was nothing compared to the uniform of Christ’s Hospital in Horsham, West Sussex. Both Hayden and Noah thanked whatever God was above that their parents had not sent them there.

The boys’ headed down to the Dining Hall for breakfast. Noah sat with his cluster of friends, and Hayden joined him. Hayden preferred to be alone but Noah would never let him sit on his own at mealtimes. Noah and his friends tucked into a traditional English breakfast, aside from Quinn Merton who had recently decided to become vegan. Hayden was pescatarian and he and Quinn had toast with Vitalite, which Hayden preferred to dairy spreads, and blackcurrant jam. They washed their meals down with fruit juice.

“You still reading _Wuthering Heights?_ ” Quinn asked Hayden.

They were in the same class for English Literature, and occasionally discussed the books they read in their spare time aside from those on the A-Level specification.

“Yes. Halfway through” Hayden replied.

He took a sip of his orange juice and then realised he should probably ask a question in return, so as not to seem rude and uninterested, though in fact it was common knowledge that Hayden wasn’t one for chit-chat.

“What are you reading at the moment?” he asked Quinn.

“I’ve nearly finished _A Picture of Dorian Gray._ Oh, it’s wonderful. Have you read it?”

“I have. I found it remarkable. I’ve read all of Oscar Wilde’s work”.

Quinn nodded in approval.

“I’m greatly looking forward to writing our exam essays on the Great Gatsby. Are you feeling suitably prepared for the examinations?”.

Hayden nodded. “Yes, yes, I’m pretty confident” Hayden replied, not completely truthfully. “As soon as the exams are over I can focus my whole attention on my Cambridge application”.

“Ah yes, Cambridge. I’m hoping to apply to York” Quinn replied.

“Ah, York’s a nice city. You want to read English?”

“I do. You’re intending to read Law?”.

Hayden nodded.

“Following in Mummy’s footsteps” Noah chimed in, nodding at Hayden.

“Yes, your mother’s a judge, right?” Quinn asked and Hayden smiled and nodded.

“That’s an exceptional career path. I’m unsure as to what I want to do with my degree; that’s assuming I pass the examinations and actually get accepted. Perhaps teaching, or research. Definitely further study” Quinn said.

The other boys at the table commented on what their plans for the future encompassed. Grayson was intending to read Political Science at Cambridge, Arthur was hoping to read Economics at Durham, Rupert was planning to read Theatre and Performance Studies at Warwick, Daniel was going to read Biomedical Engineering at Kings College, and Ezekiel’s dream was to read medicine at Barts and the London School of Medicine and Dentistry, part of Queen Mary University of London.

“I think I’m the only one of us all who isn’t intending to apply to Oxbridge or the Russell Group” Noah commented, grinning slightly.

“Where are you hoping to study?” Quinn asked. “Sheffield Hallam. Sheffield’s a lovely city, and it’s got a good nightlife. Plus, I’ll only need 3 B’s to study Children’s Nursing there, and hopefully I can achieve that” Noah replied.

“Of course you can” Hayden said. “You just need to knuckle down and focus. Take a leaf out of my book. More study, less play”.

Noah smiled at his brother.

“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” Noah said teasingly.

Hayden raised his eyebrows.

“Well then, it’s a good thing your name isn’t Jack”.


	2. Chapter 2

Hayden sat at his desk, his textbooks and notes arranged neatly in front of him. School was finished for the day, which meant it was time for revision. Revision was pretty much all the Year Twelve boys had been doing in class anyway, but in Hayden’s educated opinion you could never do too much revision. Noah thought differently. He had set aside time before bed to revise. He found that if he revised in the hour before he settled to sleep then he dreamed about what he had been revising. It certainly helped him to remember the information. His dreams were so odd that they were unforgettable. In Sociology the previous week the class had been discussing the representation of crime in the media. Miss Luxbury had shown the class the music video of _This is America_ by Donald Glover to make a point about how music artists are raising awareness of issues such as racism and gun violence within their music. She said that it would be useful as a contemporary application if a question on the media and crime came up in the examination. Noah had looked over his notes before bed and had subsequently dreamed that he was in the music video being gunned down. He had woken up in a cold sweat, his heart thumping. But at least he would remember the information.

Noah spent his late afternoons and early evenings relaxing and giving his mind a break from consuming bucket loads of information. He headed to the tennis court to play a few rounds with Grayson, Arthur and Ezekiel. Dollington Manor had extensive sports facilities, including a large golf course which was open to the use of the public as well as the students. Noah went down to the golf course regularly to play a round with his friends. He was talented at both tennis and golf, and most other sports as well. He understood the benefits of exercise and always felt a greater sense of wellbeing when he was active and out enjoying the fresh air. Hayden, on the other hand, was hopeless at sports. He didn’t mind taking a walk in the outdoors, but that was as much as he had time for. He had dreaded compulsory Physical Education lessons. Thankfully in the Sixth Form these were no longer compulsory.

After dinner, Noah spent a few hours playing cards with Rupert, Grayson and Daniel in the lounge of Hawthorn Cottage. Hayden joined them briefly, before heading back upstairs to his room to continue his revision. He did some practice papers for Law, and then took a break to read some more of _Wuthering Heights_. He preferred _Wuthering Heights_ to the books he had to study for A Level. He loved classics, particularly those by the Bronte sisters. He also read poetry, favouring war poetry. He had studied war poetry during his GCSE’s and had received an A* in his English Literature exams. In fact, he had received an A* for every one of his GCSE’s. His favourite poem was _The Charge of the Light Brigade_ by Alfred, Lord Tennyson. He also adored _Belfast Confetti_ by Ciaran Carson. Irish Literature was a major interest of Hayden’s. The Sandwell family had been to Ireland many times, including the capital cities of Belfast and Dublin. Hayden glanced up from his book to look at the photo on the wall of him standing next to the Oscar Wilde statue in Dublin. He smiled, fondly recalling the weekend away the family had taken in Dublin in February half term. They had visited the Kilmainham Gaol, walked over the Ha’penny bridge, seen the Book of Kells in the Old Library of Trinity College, and listened to buskers on Grafton Street. It had been a lovely weekend.

Noah joined Hayden in their room at eight and began his evening revision. He was nearly finished completing coursework in class for BTEC Sport and there were no exams, so as soon as all the coursework was completed he could forget about BTEC Sport until Year Thirteen teaching began. He had several exams for Biology, Chemistry and Sociology, however. Biology was Noah’s strongest and favourite subject, and at the moment Chemistry was his weakest. He opened up his Chemistry textbook and got some large plain sheets of white paper to make some mind-maps. He listened to music while he worked. That was another difference between Noah and Hayden. Hayden could hardly stand music. He regarded it as ‘noise’. Noah found that music helped him work. On this day he decided to listen to Ed Sheeran’s albums. He made mind-maps for the topics of Atomic Structure and Components of Medicine. He used dark blue and green felt pens. He worked on the mind-maps for just over an hour and then worked on calculations. Noah hated mathematics with a passion, but it was a large part of the Chemistry syllabus, which was one of the main reasons why Chemistry was his weakest A-Level subject. He had managed to scrape the B in GCSE Mathematics that he had needed to get onto the A-Level Chemistry and Biology courses, and he had managed to get an A in all of his GCSE sciences. He got an A in Physical Education as well, which he was very happy about. He had not done quite so well in his other examinations; achieving C’s for both English Language and Literature and History, and a D in French. Noah had not expected to get any A’s at all and so he was proud of himself. His achievements were completely overshadowed by Hayden’s straight A*’s across the board. The family gatherings that followed Results Day were like a praise party for Hayden, with Noah considering himself lucky if his name was mentioned just once. He knew he had done his very best and he kept telling himself that to block the feelings of hurt that threatened to creep into his mind and flatten his joy.

The boys settled into bed at around ten. Hayden had done hours of revision and practice papers and usually had a headache by this time. He considered the headache a tell-tale sign that he had been using his maximum brain power and that he had done a decent day’s work, like an athlete feeling the burn in their muscles after a good workout. More realistically, it was probably due to straining his eyes for hours and not taking a break to relax and clear his mind, but Hayden wouldn’t have suspected for a moment that that was the reason. Somehow he still didn’t feel completely satisfied as he lay his head back on his pillow at the end of a long day. He felt like he could have done more. He thought of all the things he hadn’t had the chance to revise on that day, and everything he would have to do tomorrow. He planned his revision schedule in advance and he would repeat it over and over to himself as he drifted off to sleep. Like Noah, he would dream about his studies, but Hayden’s dreams almost always consisted of him failing his examainations and seeing his future crumble around him. That was his biggest fear. He would do anything he could to prevent those dreams from becoming a reality.


	3. Chapter 3

The AS Level examinations commenced at the beginning of May. Noah had completed his BTEC Sport coursework and reckoned he had done quite well. He was slightly anxious about his Biology, Chemistry and Sociology exams, but he went for a run by the lake the night before every exam to shake off the nerves. Hayden was much more anxious, even though he was predicted higher grades. In fact, that was _why_ he was so anxious. He had high expectations to live up to, and he knew what failing those expectations would do to his life. If he didn’t excel in these exams then he could kiss his future at Cambridge goodbye. Cambridge had been his dream for as long as he could remember, and without that future he would be nothing. He would be an empty vessel, just a shell walking around with no purpose or meaning. He couldn’t allow that.

Hayden revised every second of the day. He slept for almost exactly eight hours to replenish his mind and then he was straight onto work. He had finished reading _Wuthering Heights_ now, and was taking a break from reading until after he had completed his exams. He had to go to meals in the Dining Hall; there was no choice about that, but aside from eating and sleeping he took no break from lavishing over his studies. He couldn’t afford to take any breaks.

Hayden awoke very early on the morning of his first Law examination with his heart hammering in his chest. He felt like he could hardly breathe. He blinked rapidly as he got out of bed as a wave of dizziness washed over him. He got dressed into his school trousers and shirt, the top buttons of his shirt undone so he could stay cool. He was sweating profusely. He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand and arranged his Law notes in front of him, his hands shaking violently. “Get a grip” he muttered to himself. He could not afford to be unwell today. He could not have his hands shaking like this during the exam; he would end up having to score words out and write them again, and that would look incredibly unprofessional. Hayden squeezed his hands into fists and then loosened them. He did a Law practice paper which was a real AS Level paper from a few years before. He timed himself, making sure he was able to complete it within the time he would get for the real exam with time left over to proof-read and correct any mistakes. His hand ached by the time he was done, and he leant back in his chair, closing his eyes for a few moments and trying to take steady breaths. He would have said that he couldn’t wait for the exams to be over, but once the exams were over it would then be over two months of constant worrying about Results Day.

Noah woke up and looked sleepily towards his brother, who was asleep in his chair at the desk.

“Hayden?” Noah called, rolling out of bed.

He gave his brother a gentle shake on the shoulder which had Hayden jumping out of his skin, in a sudden panic that he had missed his exam.

“Woah, woah, relax buddy, it’s just me” Noah said reassuringly.

“What time is it?” Hayden replied frantically, springing to his feet and then falling forward, Noah catching him before he toppled to the floor.

“It’s ok, it’s ok, slow down. It’s only half seven”.

Noah looked at Hayden properly and his expression turned to one of concern.

“Hey, hey, you okay?” he asked worriedly.

Hayden nodded.

“Fine, all fine. I just panicked for a moment. Oh, _how_ did I let myself fall asleep?”

“You probably needed it. You’re white as a sheet. What time did you get up this morning?”

“About half four”.

Noah sighed, shaking his head disapprovingly.

“Let’s get some breakfast. I’m sure you’ve done all you possibly can to prepare for today”

“I don’t think I can stomach anything”

“I’m not letting you go to an exam without having had breakfast”

“I’d rather not throw up in front of everyone. I’ll have a drink, maybe a piece of fruit or something. Anything else, I don’t think I’ll be able to keep it down. I don’t feel good”

“You don’t _look_ good. Well, I can’t force you to eat, but I really would advise it”.

Noah started getting dressed and Hayden buttoned up his shirt, his hands still trembling. _You’re being ridiculous_ Hayden said to himself. He tied his tie and pulled on his blazer, shoes and hat.

Noah didn’t have any exams on this day, and so he was going to spend the day revising in the library and taking a few strolls to clear his head and relax. He only had one Biology and one Chemistry exam left now. He had found his exams so far relatively easy going. He had answered all questions and given some good answers. He had even had the chance to write about _This is America_ in his Sociology exam, when a 20-mark question on Crime and Deviance came up. He had been pretty excited about that. At least the nightmare had come in handy.

Noah and Hayden went to the Dining Hall for breakfast. Noah had his usual full English breakfast but Hayden only had an apple, a strawberry yoghurt and some orange juice. Noah was quite concerned about him. He knew his brother got stressed when it came to exams, but this was worse than he had been during his GCSE’s. He understood why. If Hayden didn’t do well in his exams it would have much worse consequences than if Noah didn’t do well. Hayden had a lot resting on these exams. Noah wasn’t looking to apply to any top universities, and if he didn’t do well enough this year, he had a whole year to improve on his grades. He could even go through Clearing for university if he had to. Hayden’s plans weren’t so flexible. If he didn’t get a Cambridge interview, his world would be shattered. Add that to their parents ridiculously high expectations, and how disappointed they would be in him if he let them down. Noah felt nervous _for_ him.

Hayden went into his exam at 9:00 and walked to his desk in the large hall. His shoes squeaked on the shiny polished floor, the sound grating in his ears. He sat down and his mind raced with all the information he had to remember. He tried to separate it out into little mind pockets for all of the individual topics, like he had done when revising, but it was all jumbling together like clothes whirling around in a washing machine. _Oh God, oh God, oh God._ The exam started and Hayden opened his paper, only for his mind to draw a complete blank.


	4. Chapter 4

Hayden stared down at his paper in a daze. It took half an hour for him to snap out of it and begin to write. But it was already too late by this point. He wouldn’t be able to answer all of the questions to the best of his ability, and any answers he managed to give would certainly not be A-grade quality, let alone A* quality. He picked up his pen and began to write shakily. He started with the main essay first, and tried hard to focus, to lift the information out of the black hole in his memory that it had fallen into. His mind strained; a headache pounding in his forehead.

The exam was over an hour later and Hayden felt like he was in a dream; or more accurately, a nightmare. He walked through the quiet corridors of the Manor House. It was now time for him to go and revise for his remaining examinations, but he was so exhausted that he wasn’t sure he would be able to manage any revision today. He didn’t have a choice though. He obviously hadn’t done enough to prepare for that day’s exam; that was why he had drawn a blank. He needed to ensure that didn’t happen again. If he did exceptionally well in his second Law exam, then he could potentially scrape a B overall. That wasn’t good enough at all, but it was _something._ He had yet to sit History, English and one of his Politics exams. He could still manage to get the grades he expected in those. He just needed to push himself harder, if that was possible.

Hayden arrived back at his dorm room and found Noah revising at his desk.

“Hey, how did it go?” Noah asked, clearly expecting a positive answer.

His face fell when he took in Hayden’s expression.

“Not good?” Noah asked gently.

Hayden shook his head.

“I’m going to have failed” Hayden said weakly, flopping down onto his bed and staring up at the ceiling.

“As if!” Noah replied dismissively, coming to sit beside Hayden on the bed. “What happened?” he asked.

“I drew a complete blank. I didn’t manage to write a thing until half an hour into the exam. I just couldn’t think. I didn’t revise enough. I should have done better” Hayden said despairingly.

Noah frowned.

“I don’t think it’s physically possible for you to have revised more than you did. Perhaps it’s the opposite; maybe you over did it”.

Hayden scoffed. “You can’t over-do revision Noah; not that you’d know anything about that”.

Noah shrugged off the insult and placed a comforting hand on Hayden’s shoulder, before going back over to his revision.

“I’m sure you’ll be absolutely fine” Noah said as he sat at his desk.

Hayden groaned in response and buried his head into his pillow. He unintentionally fell asleep and slept till lunch.

At lunch Hayden intended to sit alone, against Noah’s protests, but he was soon joined by Quinn Merton.

“How was your exam?” Quinn asked, placing his tray gently on the table and taking a seat.

“Terrible” Hayden replied, nibbling at his cucumber sandwich.

“Oh dear, I’m sorry to hear that. What happened?” Quinn asked, before taking a bite of his own sandwich.

“I just couldn’t _think_. That’s never happened to me in an exam before. Why it had to happen in this one, of _all_ the exams it could have happened in, I don’t know. If I fail Law, there is _no_ chance of me getting to study it at Oxbridge. Even if I somehow pass, even if I get as high as a B, there’s no chance for me now”.

Quinn gently squeezed Hayden’s hand.

“Try not to fret. There’s always other options if it comes to it. I know how good you are in English”

“I was good in _Law_ until today” Hayden muttered.

“Why don’t we go over our notes for English together this afternoon?” Quinn asked, and Hayden tried to think of a polite way to refuse. He didn’t like revising with others. He didn’t reckon there was anything that Quinn could have in his notes that wasn’t already in his own. But then again, something had clearly gone wrong today, and he couldn’t allow a repeat of that in his remaining exams.

“Okay” Hayden replied, reluctantly. Quinn smiled softly.

The boys finished their lunch in silence and then headed for the top floor of the library to find an area where they could talk without disturbing anyone else. They each practiced an essay question, and then marked each other’s work using the marking scheme. Hayden gave Quinn an A, and his eyebrows raised in horror when Quinn handed him his paper and had marked it a B.

“Don’t look so horrified; you still did a very good job” Quinn said, chuckling slightly at Hayden’s expression.

Hayden scanned through his essay, looking at Quinn’s comments on it.

“This should be an A, no doubt” Hayden said, biting his lip.

“Well, feel free to mark it yourself” Quinn replied, not unkindly.

“I will, thank you very much” Hayden snapped.

Quinn’s eyes darted around the room uncomfortably as Hayden’s eyes flicked from the marking scheme to his work. Quinn hadn’t meant to upset Hayden at all, but he had felt it was best to give him an honest grade.

“So… which novel are you going to read now that you’ve finished _Wuthering Heights?_ ” Quinn asked, as means of conversation.

“I can’t think about that right now. I’m not going to think about anything over the next few weeks. Once the examinations are over, _then_ I’ll think about less important matters”

“Fair enough”

“Glad you think so”.

Quinn resisted the urge to get up and walk away. Hayden was not an easy boy to get along with. But there was something about him that drew Quinn in, made him want more; though more of _what_ he wasn’t sure.


	5. Chapter 5

The rest of Hayden’s exams went almost as terribly as his Law exam. He couldn’t think straight. He had done even more revision than he had before, if that was even possible; staying up late and getting up first thing in the morning. He was exhausted, but he had reckoned the lack of sleep was worth it if he could get the highest grades possible. It hadn’t seemed to pay off though, and now he had the agonising three month wait till Results Day.

Noah’s last two exams went well, and he was relieved when they were over and he could enjoy some down time. It was now time for the Year Twelve boys to start on their Year Thirteen material. There was only a few weeks left of school before the summer. Noah and Hayden were going to be returning home to their large house in North London. Their parents were taking a few weeks of leave so that the family could go on holiday to the Netherlands. Noah was extremely excited about going on holiday, despite his parents and Hayden’s tendency to be the most monotonous people to spend time with. Hayden couldn’t feel excited about anything. He was completely drained and filled with an overwhelming sense of dread.

The rest of term went by quickly. Adrian and Rebecca arrived in their white Range Rover to pick their sons up on their last day. Noah hugged his friends goodbye and shook hands with his teachers. Hayden kept himself to himself like always but he did give a gentle smile to Quinn, who grinned back.

“Go and enjoy yourself!” Quinn called to him kindly.

Hayden knew that wasn’t going to happen, but he nodded, waving slightly as he got into the car and left Dollington Manor behind for the summer.

The twins had a week of rest. Or, more accurately, Noah had a week of rest, whilst Hayden pored over university websites and entry requirements, trying to think of a plan for if Results Day went as terribly as he was expecting it to. All his life he had wanted to attend Oxbridge. It had given him motivation and value, and now it was spiralling down the drain.

The next week, the Sandwell’s drove to the airport to fly to the Netherlands. They were going to a holiday resort called _Duinrell,_ located in Wassenaar. There was a theme park on the site with a range of rides, and a large indoor waterpark complex called the _Tikibad._ The family had been before, many years ago. Noah had absolutely adored it and was ecstatic to be there again. Hayden had enjoyed taking walks in the woodlands and exploring the local area and sightseeing. The plane only took around an hour to get to Amsterdam, and then they got a train to the Hague, and a bus to Wassenaar. They were stopping off in Amsterdam for a few days on the way home and staying in a hotel. Hayden was looking forward to that part of their holiday most, though he was finding it difficult to put his worries aside and enjoy himself.

The family settled into their bungalow when they arrived at _Duinrell._ Over the following few days they enjoyed long walks in the woodlands, riding the rollercoasters and trying out the range of slides in the _Tikibad._ Noah’s favourite ride in the amusement park was the Splash, a log-flume ride with a tremendous splash at the end that completely soaked anyone around, as well as those in the boat. There was the option of a boat with a glass covering which Hayden opted for. Noah was much more of a thrill-seeker and rode the Splash ten times in a row without the protective glass covering. He also enjoyed the Aqua Shute, another flume ride but without such a splash. There was also a Toboggan ride that sped down the hill in the woodlands. Hayden’s favourite ride was the Aqua Swing, a spinning swing ride above a gentle fountain of water. He closed his eyes and imagined he was really flying, far, far away from any thoughts of school and Oxbridge and his future career. He was a carefree bird. He had the same feeling when the family went up to the Watchtower, which gave a 360-degree view of the park and the surrounding areas.

The _Tikibad_ contained some of the most unusual water slides Hayden and Noah had ever seen. Last time they’d been to _Duinrell_ they had been too small for most of the slides. This time they had the freedom to go on any slide they chose, and Noah was eager to try them all. There was one called the Cannonball, which was simply a black hole that shot the rider out across the water. There was also X-Stream which was a vertical drop slide, and probably the most terrifying experience the twins had ever had. The rider had to go into an enclosed pod and then the floor disappeared underneath them, leaving them to free fall down the tube and then slide out. Hayden’s favourite slides were Moonlight and Starfright, two tube slides with soft glowing lights inside, like a sensory room.

The family also visited Madurodam, a miniature park containing model replicas of Dutch landmarks. They found a miniature version of _Duinrell_ and the _Tikibad,_ and the airport with a model plane getting ready for lift off. It was a wonderful time for all the family, and Hayden felt his worries ease off just slightly.

The family settled into their hotel in Amsterdam for the last few days of their holiday. They visited the Anne Frank Museum and the Van Gogh Museum, and took a cruise down the picturesque canal in a classic river boat. Adrian and Rebecca enjoyed some white wine on the boat, and the whole family enjoyed some Dutch cheese. Miss Luxbury, Noah’s Sociology teacher, had told the Sociology class about her visit to Amsterdam and how she and her partner had checked out the Red-Light District, purely for academic purposes. The family did see some of the Red-Light District as they walked around the city in the evening. It was certainly a bit of a culture shock.

On the plane journey home Hayden felt the anxiety and dread rise up again.

Results Day was approaching rapidly.

Soon he would find out if his dreams still had a chance of coming true, or if his future was to be shattered into pieces.


	6. Chapter 6

The evening before Results Day, Hayden was a mess of emotions. He was trembling and couldn’t relax no matter how hard he tried. The next day he would know one way or another. If things went well then he could relax and get on with life as normal. If things didn’t go well then he would have to deal with the consequences of that, however painful those consequences were.

Noah was anxious as well, though less so than Hayden. Both boys struggled to get a good night’s sleep as they awaited their results being released. They were going to get their results online at nine in the morning. Their parents would be with them when they found out how they did, which made things all the more difficult.

Hayden got out of bed at seven in the morning and made himself some green tea. He couldn’t stomach anything to eat yet. Noah got up soon after, too restless to lie in as he would usually do. He had a cup of tea and some oatmeal and sat in front of the TV, waiting nervously for nine o’clock.

At nine, the family sat at the kitchen table as Hayden and Noah set up their laptops. Hayden’s hands were shaking as he got up his results. Noah squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. And they both looked at their grades.

Both boys stared in shock.

Adrian and Rebecca exchanged concerned glances when neither Hayden nor Noah spoke for what seemed like forever.

“Everything okay?” Rebecca asked.

“I got a C in everything” Hayden said, his voice barely above a whisper.

He’d passed, yes, but this was nowhere near good enough for Oxbridge.

This was absolutely terrible.

“What did you say?” Adrian asked.

“C’s in everything” Hayden muttered.

Adrian and Rebecca both laughed nervously.

“You are kidding, aren’t you?” Rebecca asked, but then Hayden looked up and she could see that he definitely wasn’t.

“Oh Hayden, what happened?”. Hayden shook his head and stared down at his lap.

“There must be some kind of mistake. I know you said you didn’t think you’d done well, but it’s not possible for you to have only achieved C grades. You’re so much better than that” Rebecca said.

“How did _you_ do, dare I ask?” Adrian asked Noah.

“A’s in everything” Noah replied, still stunned.

“Oh yes, of course. Can you answer me seriously please?” Adrian got up and looked at Noah’s results over his shoulder.

Noah _was_ being serious.

He had achieved an A in every subject.

“There’s got to be something wrong here. Perhaps they got you the wrong way around” Adrian said, and Noah felt his chest tighten.

“We’re doing completely different subjects” Noah replied, trying not to let his voice waver. A part of him was suddenly worried that his father could be right. It wouldn’t be a major problem for him if he had in fact achieved C’s instead of A’s, but it would be highly disappointing now that he had believed he had achieved A’s across the board.

“We’ll speak to the school” Rebecca said as she looked at Noah’s results. “There’s definitely a problem here”.

Noah felt a pang of hurt. There had been no congratulations, no praise. It was his parents automatic assumption that something must be wrong because he had done better than Hayden. He bit his lip, feeling tears start to spring up. He was absolutely not going to cry in front of them. He excused himself from the table and went upstairs to his room and locked the door.

Rebecca’s phone call to Dollington Manor later that morning confirmed that Noah and Hayden’s results were indeed correct. Hayden was devastated. Adrian and Rebecca were devastated.

Noah smirked.

“What’s amusing you?” Adrian asked coldly.

“This whole thing” Noah replied.

“Well I’m sure you’re A-grades will come in very useful when you apply to a mediocre university to study a subject that will lead you into a dead-end career for the rest of your life”.

Noah felt his face flush.

“I’m sure they will. I’m sure Sheffield Hallam will see my grades alongside my personal statement and understand how much this course means to me. I’m heading towards a career in which I can make a positive difference in the lives of children and young people. It can take me wherever I want it to. Wherever I end up, I’ll be happy. Unlike Hayden, who doesn’t even have the slightest clue what happiness is”.

Noah turned to Hayden.

“You’re not going to be able to apply to Cambridge. The future you’ve worked up to your whole life is out of the question now. You worked day and night, exhausting yourself, hardly taking a break, isolating yourself from everyone, and what good has it done?”.

Noah’s voice was rising with anger. He wasn’t angry at Hayden as such. He was angry at his parents. He was angry at _life._

And this was a day that he should be celebrating. He had just achieved amazing results, but he couldn’t feel happy. His family had taken his joy and stomped on it until it was flat and lifeless. Hayden glanced up at Noah, hurt, and Noah felt a pang of guilt.

Noah swallowed the lump in his throat and announced, “I’m going out”.

“Where to?” Rebecca asked.

“To celebrate my results” Noah replied, swinging his bag over his shoulder and pulling on his shoes, and leaving the house.

Arthur Sweeney, Noah’s friend from Dollington Manor, lived in the neighbouring borough. Noah got on the underground, headphones in, listening to Joe Jackson. He messaged Arthur to ask if he could come over. Arthur replied “of course!”.

Noah knew he would have a much nicer time celebrating his results at Arthur’s house than at his own. Arthur’s parents both worked for the Government, earning a considerable amount, and they were in a meeting today that they couldn’t get out of. They would be home in the evening to celebrate with Arthur, but until then Arthur was on his own, enjoying his own homemade Pimms.

Arthur’s house was large, with a stoned driveway and a garden with an outdoor pool and slide. When Noah arrived, Arthur offered him a Pimms, which he accepted, and they went out to the garden. They sat at the small wooden table, sheltered from the blazing sun by a parasol. They sipped Pimms and lemonade and then had a swim in the pool. The slide was Noah’s favourite part of Arthur’s house. He decided to break his former record of fifty times in a row and aimed for one hundred this time. He achieved it and Arthur created a certificate for him to celebrate his achievement. They had lunch outside. Arthur made a quinoa salad with Halloumi fries. After their lunch had gone down they headed to Arthur’s tennis court to play a few rounds. Noah smiled as he realised he had ended up having a lovely day, despite his parents reaction this morning. He knew Hayden would be at home in a state, not having anywhere near as nice a time. He frowned in sympathy but right now he was going to focus on celebrating the rest of the day. He deserved that much.


	7. Chapter 7

Noah returned home in the evening. Hayden was in his room and Noah couldn’t be bothered to check on him. He’d had a nice day and he didn’t need Hayden’s moping and anguish to bring him down right now. He did some work on his personal statement before bed, feeling motivated now that he had received his results. He could apply to Sheffield Hallam, and with the grades he had received he could potentially obtain an unconditional offer. Even if he got a conditional offer, he just had to keep up the good work in second year and he would have no problem achieving the grades needed. He was looking forward to the future.

Noah and Hayden barely said a word to each other for the remainder of the summer holidays. Noah stayed away from his parents as well. He was happy, and he wanted to stay that way. He went out to see his friends and go into the city. All of his friends at Dollington Manor had done very well in their AS Levels, and his friends in the year above had all secured their places at university. Hayden was the only one in the year who was left disappointed by Results Day. Noah thought it pretty ironic, considering how hard Hayden had worked, sacrificing his social life and any enjoyable activities. Noah reckoned Hayden’s problem was that he had over-worked himself. He had just done _too much._ He had no balance in his life. He wasn’t healthy. Noah, on the other hand, was the opposite. He had balance. He was healthy. He knew how to manage his workload so that he learnt the material he needed to know without sacrificing his mental health and leisure activities. Hayden had advised Noah earlier this year to “take a leaf out of my book. More work, less play”. But, in fact, it was Hayden who needed to follow Noah’s example.

The twins returned to Dollington Manor at the beginning of September to begin their final year. There was still an air of tension about them which was unusual for them. They had never had any real fallings out in their life. This situation wasn’t exactly a falling out as such. Hayden wasn’t upset with Noah and Noah wasn’t upset with Hayden. But they _were_ both upset, and they weren’t sure how to speak about it.

In the late evening, as the twins were ready to settle to sleep on their first night back at Dollington Manor, Noah softly said ‘I’m sorry”.

Hayden sat up and looked at his brother. He couldn’t see him very well in the dark of the room.

“What for?” Hayden replied, confused.

“Everything” Noah replied guiltily.

Hayden shook his head.

“You haven’t got anything to be sorry for. Mum and Dad didn’t even bother to celebrate your results. You did amazingly, and they didn’t even acknowledge it. I’m not in the least bit surprised you’re upset”

“You know I’m not upset with _you_ , right?”

“I know”

“Good…”. Noah trailed off as he wondered what he should say next. “Are you okay… about everything? I mean… you’re obviously disappointed, which is understandable… but you’re not going to let it drag you down, eh?”

“I’m not sure I can be dragged much lower than I already am” Hayden chuckled, though he was being serious.

“We’ll sort something, I promise you”.

Hayden nodded. “Okay”.

The twins settled to sleep, both of them restless but feeling slightly better than they had the past few weeks.

In the morning, the twins went to breakfast in the Dining Hall. Quinn greeted them and put his arm around Hayden as they walked to get their breakfast.

“I was so sorry to hear about your results. I do hope you’re not too disappointed” Quinn said softly.

Hayden leaned into Quinn’s half-embrace, suddenly grateful for the presence of a friend.

“I’ll be okay” he replied.

“Yes you will. You’ve got buckets of potential. You don’t need Cambridge to be successful. The world is your oyster, as they say” Quinn squeezed Hayden’s shoulder and Hayden smiled.

The boys sat down and ate. Hayden looked at the clock on the wall anxiously. He was not looking forward to lessons today. All of his teachers would be judging him for his horrific grades. He had achieved the lowest grades in the whole of his year. He had not met the standards of Dollington Manor. He had not only let _himself_ down, but he had let his family and his school down. He couldn’t tolerate that.

Hayden closed his eyes, breathing deeply, desperately trying to think of something that could make him feel better about his current predicament. There was nothing. He was never going to get the life he had dreamed of. His parents would not be satisfied with anything less than Oxbridge. Even if he managed to improve his results for next year and get into a Russell Group university, it wouldn’t be good enough. And what if he _didn’t_ manage to improve his results? What if he got straight C’s in his actual A-Level examinations? What would he do then? Where there even any Law degrees that would accept those grades? And what if he didn’t even manage to achieve C’s? What if he completely failed? A wave of dizziness flooded over Hayden and he realised he’d been holding his breath. He blinked open his eyes and saw Noah, Quinn and the other boys looking at him with concern. Noah reached across the table and put his hand on Hayden’s arm.

“You okay? You feeling alright?” Noah asked, his eyes narrowed, taking in Hayden’s pale face and heavy flickering eyes.

Hayden nodded, snapping out of it.

“Yes, yes, fine. Sorry. I was just lost in my thoughts”.

Noah frowned, not convinced.

The boys went to their first lessons of the day. Noah had Sport and Hayden had English Literature with Quinn. Their teacher, Mr Anderson-Clifford was pretty strict, and he expected only the best from his students. He was _not_ going to be impressed with Hayden’s appalling performance in his examinations. Hayden and Quinn sat at a table together at the front of the class. Mr Anderson-Clifford looked at Hayden in disapproval from behind his desk. “Don’t let him get to you” Quinn mouthed to Hayden.

Mr Anderson-Clifford began by talking to the class about the exams and what they had done well and needed to improve on. Of course, most of the class hardly needed to improve on _anything_. They had done exceptionally well, as the boys of Dollington Manor always did. Hayden felt himself drifting away with his thoughts and was snapped back to reality when Mr Anderson-Clifford called his name.

“I think you would do good to listen to this Mr Sandwell. After all, you _were_ the lowest achiever of this year”.

Some of the boys in the class snickered. They had faced years of being told to be ‘more like Mr Sandwell, here’, to follow his example. Their work had been compared to Hayden’s in front of the class. Now the tables had turned, and Hayden was the one who wasn’t good enough. That satisfied some of the boys in the class.

Quinn, however, was not impressed with Mr Anderson-Clifford’s treatment of Hayden and had to bite his tongue to avoid saying something that could get him sent to the Head’s office.

“I’m sorry Sir” Hayden mumbled.

Quinn noticed with alarm that Hayden was paling considerably. He hadn’t looked well this morning as it was, but now he looked like he was going to collapse any second.

“You good?” Quinn asked softly.

“Mr Merton, have you got something you would like to share with the class?” Mr Anderson-Clifford asked Quinn, his arms folded and his eyebrows raised.

His expression changed suddenly however when he noticed Hayden’s eyes fluttering.

“Hayden?” Quinn asked.

And then Hayden was tumbling sideways, Quinn just managing to catch him before he slid off his chair completely.


	8. Chapter 8

“Hayden? Hayden, what’s wrong? Are you okay? Can you hear me?” Quinn asked desperately.

Mr Anderson-Clifford looked at the situation before him in shock for a moment, and then sprang into action.

“We need to get him on the floor. Can someone go and get the nurse?” Mr Anderson-Clifford said as he helped Quinn gently lower Hayden to the floor.

Quinn lay Hayden’s head in his lap and Mr Anderson-Clifford checked Hayden’s pulse in his wrist.

“Come on lad, you’re going to be okay” Mr Anderson-Clifford said, feeling relief wash over him at the gentle throb of a pulse against his fingers.

Mr Anderson-Clifford was by no means a particularly kind or supportive teacher, but nonetheless he did care for his students and certainly wasn’t filled with joy at seeing one of the boys in this state. He didn’t know if Hayden’s collapse was related to his harsh comment, but regardless he felt guilty.

Hayden’s eyes blinked open and he took in his surroundings drowsily. His head was supported on someone’s lap.

Well, that was embarrassing.

As if things couldn’t get any worse.

Mr Anderson-Clifford knelt beside him, looking into his eyes.

Oh, and the situation just got worse.

“It’s alright Hayden, we’re here” Quinn spoke softly, squeezing Hayden’s shoulder.

So _that_ was whose lap he was lying on. At least it was Quinn of all people.

“How are you doing lad? Can you hear me alright?” Mr Anderson-Clifford asked.

Hayden nodded.

Rupert opened the door to the class and Nurse Grainger hurried in with a wheelchair.

“How is he doing?” she asked.

“He’s awake” Mr Anderson-Clifford responded.

Nurse Grainger and Quinn helped Hayden into the wheelchair.

“Shall I come with you?” Quinn asked Hayden and Nurse Grainger.

“No, no, he’ll be fine. You stay in class” Nurse Grainger replied.

Quinn reluctantly nodded, and gave Hayden’s hand a quick pat.

“I’ll come and check on you after class” he said.

Noah finished his Sport class and had a shower before heading towards the Dining Hall to grab a mid-morning snack. Rupert caught his eye from across the corridor and rushed to his side.

“Noah, hey, have you heard what happened in English?”.

Noah shook his head. “No, is everything okay?”

“Hayden collapsed. Nurse Grainger took him to the nurse’s office. I think he’s still in there. Quinn’s gone to sit with him”

“What?! Okay, okay, thanks” Noah said, quickly heading towards the nurse’s office. He had never known Hayden to collapse before. Either the stress of everything was really getting to him, or there was something else going on.

Noah found Hayden sitting up on the bed with Quinn at his side.

“Hey” Noah said breathlessly. “Are you alright?”. He put his arm around his brother.

“I’m fine. It was a silly little faint” Hayden replied unconvincingly.

“Have you had some water?” Noah asked and Hayden nodded.

“Yes, yes I’m all good”

“What did Nurse Grainger say?”

“I’m fine. I just need to take it easy. I’m going to go and get lunch soon”

“Yes, same. We’ll go over to the Dining Hall together once you’re up to it”.

Today’s lunch was fish and chips, with the option of baked beans and grated cheese. Hayden went for the whole lot, though he didn’t have much of an appetite. Noah kept a close eye on him.

When Hayden went to the gents, Noah took the chance to ask Quinn exactly what had happened.

“He looked peaky anyway, but I don’t think Mr Anderson-Clifford’s comments helped. This whole situation with his grades is really getting him down. I can’t imagine how awful he must be feeling” Quinn said.

Noah nodded. “Yes, I’m quite worried about him, honestly. We’ve got to get started on our UCAS applications now. With his grades he probably wouldn’t even get an offer from any of his back up choices. He never even seriously _considered_ his back up options; he was so intent on getting into either Cambridge or Oxford. Oh, bless him. I feel so sorry for him”

“Perhaps he could go to Sheffield Hallam with you. Do they do a Law course?”

“I believe they do, but I don’t reckon he’d want to spend any more time with me. We’ve been pretty much joined at the hip since birth. But, yes, that would be lovely. I’m considering renting somewhere, rather than staying in halls. I haven’t decided yet. But it really would be great if we rented somewhere together. That way I could look out for him. Besides, I think I’d feel a little lost without him being there with me every day. I’ll mention it to him. I think he was looking forward to getting away from everyone and being independent, but I’ll see what he says. And of course, you’re going to be at York, so we’d be pretty close. We could meet up at weekends. Hayden seems to be getting more friendly with you; which is a considerable compliment, considering he’s about as sociable as Sherlock Holmes” Noah laughed.

Quinn smiled, blushing slightly.

Noah caught the look in Quinn’s eye and his own eyes narrowed slightly, his expression slightly teasing.

“Do you have feelings for my brother?” Noah asked.

Quinn turned red and his gaze drifted to the floor.

“I’m sorry, that’s not really any of my business. It’s perfectly alright if you do though” Noah said sincerely.

Quinn nodded, biting his lip.

Noah smiled warmly. “Well, I’m not sure Hayden’s the romantic sort, but don’t be worried to tell him about your feelings if you want to. He may not be up for being in a relationship, but he’ll value your honesty”

“Has he ever dated anyone before?”

“No” Noah shook his head. “No, he hasn’t. He’s always been too focused on studying. I know him well enough though of course to know that he’s not someone you need to worry about speaking to with regards to these feelings. He may not reciprocate your feelings, but it wouldn’t make a difference to your friendship. I really do think he cares for you, even if simply as a friend” Noah said.

Hayden nodded. He wasn’t sure he was going to tell Hayden how he felt, especially not at this difficult time. He didn’t think Hayden would welcome any extra stress at the moment.

On seeing Hayden return to the Dining Hall, Noah and Quinn immediately switched the conversation so it wouldn’t look like they had been talking about him.

“You okay?” Noah asked Hayden as he sat back down at the table.

Hayden nodded.

“Hayden… Do you…err… do you fancy going for a walk with me this evening?” Quinn asked Hayden before he could lose his confidence.

Hayden looked at him.

“Err… I guess so. I should really be focusing on studying, but I think I could do with the fresh air… I don’t know”.

Noah and Quinn noticed Hayden’s anxiety rising again and quickly tried to bring him back to the moment.

“You need to take it easy today. Don’t put any pressure on yourself. We can just go and get some air down by the lake. You can bring a book if you fancy. I’m just getting started on _Mrs Dalloway_ ” Quinn said.

Hayden nodded.

“Alright… just us two or…?”

“Whatever you prefer”

“I don’t think I have a preference”.

“Well, I think I’m going to head to the court to play a few rounds this evening with Artie” Noah said.

“Okay… probably just us then?” Quinn said and Hayden nodded.

Hayden wasn’t used to spending one to one time with people. In fact, he wasn’t used to spending time with people in general, aside from in class. But he liked Quinn, and he had appreciated the support he’d given him throughout the day, and so he decided he would make the effort, even if just this once.

But below the surface, the fear and helplessness was crashing through him like violent waves slamming against the sides of cliffs. His hopes for the future and any sense of happiness he had ever felt were eroding away with the force of the waves. He tried to flatten the feelings, bury them, save them for later, but they were there bubbling like molten lava, searing and scorching him.


	9. Chapter 9

After school was finished for the day, Hayden changed into comfortable corduroy trousers and a pullover. Quinn was waiting for him outside Hawthorne Cottage and they walked together alongside the lake. They brought along some books with them to read and discuss. Hayden had just begun _A Room with A View_ by E.M Forster. He was hoping to make his way through all of E.M Forster’s novels over the next few months.

“I read _Maurice_ recently. It was one of the best books I’ve ever read” Quinn said as they lay down, side by side, on a picnic blanket beside the water.

“I’ll read that one next. I’ve seen the film; it was very beautiful” Hayden replied.

“There’s a few differences between the film and the novel, though nothing major. I wrote an essay, purely for my own satisfaction, comparing them. I really liked Rupert Graves’ performance as Alec Scudder. He’s such a fascinating character” Quinn said, and then in a sudden burst of confidence added “He’s easy on the eyes as well”, chuckling slightly.

Hayden grinned. “I’d have to agree with you there”.

“Personally, I’ve got a bit of a thing for Hugh Grant” Hayden added, blushing a little.

Quinn felt his heart pounding in his chest. Hayden was speaking openly about being attracted to men. Obviously that didn’t mean Hayden would have feelings for _him_ , but at least he wouldn’t be judgemental and hateful if Quinn was to mention how he felt.

Quinn realised Hayden was looking at him, and he felt a flutter in his stomach. Hayden blinked slowly. “Am I reading this right?” he asked, leaning in slightly.

Quinn nodded, tongue-tied. They both leaned in and kissed gently on the lips. It was pleasant, sweet kiss, and for a moment Hayden felt his worries disappear. His focus was on Quinn, and Quinn alone. Nothing else in the universe mattered.

And then reality came flooding down on him. Hayden clutched at Quinn’s shoulder as he broke away from the kiss, panting slightly, feeling dizziness overwhelm him again.

“Hayden?” Quinn asked, cupping Hayden’s face.

Hayden sat up, gasping for breath.

“I’m sorry” Hayden said shakily.

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for” Quinn held Hayden close, and Hayden started to cry.

“I don’t know what to do Quinn”

“It’s okay. It’s okay”.

Hayden clutched tightly at Quinn, wishing he could hold on to him forever. But soon even Quinn would be gone. Their time at Dollington Manor would come to an end and Quinn would get the grades he needed to go to York. He’d go and start his new life, and Hayden would be lucky to even get into university, let alone a Russell Group university.

Certainly not Oxbridge.

That was for certain.

Hayden let go of Quinn and stumbled to his feet. Quinn got up with him, putting a comforting hand on his arm.

“Are you alright?” Quinn asked worriedly.

Hayden nodded, though tears were still streaming down his cheeks.

“Do you want me to walk you back to the cottage?” Quinn asked and Hayden nodded.

They walked arm in arm by the lake, Hayden desperately trying to get his emotions under control.

“I know these past few weeks have been awful for you” Quinn said. “But Hayden, please know that things are not as bad as they seem. I know how much you dreamed of going to Oxbridge, but you’ve still got every chance of going to a prestigious university, or _any_ university. A degree is a degree, regardless of where you get it. You can still be a lawyer”

“I’ve let everyone down, my parents, my teachers, the school”

“I know my opinion probably doesn’t count for much, but you haven’t let _me_ down. You could never let me down. And you haven’t let Noah down either. We both care for you so much. Your educational achievement needs to be for _you,_ not for anyone else… not to give Dollington Manor a high ranking on the league tables, not to continue your family’s tradition. Only for you. For _your_ happiness”

“I just don’t know what makes me happy anymore”

“Well then let’s find your happiness. You need more in your life than study. It’s not the most important thing, no matter how much it’s drummed into us here that it is. It’s _not._ It’s important, certainly, but it’s not everything”.

They reached Hawthorn Cottage and Quinn pulled Hayden into an embrace.

“Talk to Noah about how you’re feeling, okay? Talk to me as well. I’m always here for you”

“Thank you… for everything. You’ve been so lovely today. I mean, you’re always lovely, but particularly today. I really appreciate it. I’m sorry I’m such a mess”

“You’re not a mess darling. Not at all”.

Quinn cupped Hayden’s face and looked into his eyes, gently kissing him.

“It’s all going to work out, I promise you” Quinn said and Hayden nodded, though he couldn’t believe it.

Hayden went upstairs to his room. Noah was on his MacBook, sitting cross-legged on his bed.

“Oh, hey, how was your walk with Quinn?” Noah asked.

He frowned when he saw Hayden’s tear-stained face.

“Oh gosh Hayden, are you alright?”.

Noah got up and hugged his brother.

“Come and sit down” Noah said, sitting Hayden beside him on the bed.

“Tell me what happened”.

“It’s just everything. I feel like I can’t cope. Quinn’s been trying so hard with me, he’s so lovely, but I don’t know _why_. I’m not worth his time. I feel so hopeless”

“You’re not hopeless. I understand that all of this has really taken its toll on you, but this isn’t the end of the road for you. You’ve got so much going for you. And you’re worth anyone’s time, but Quinn _adores_ you. You’ve got to let him be there for you. He’s the only real friend you’ve had here at Dollington Manor, aside from me of course”

“I really care for him too. I think I love him. We kissed just now, and it meant the world to me. I’ve never been all that nice to him, or to anyone, always keeping myself to myself and pushing everyone away, but despite that, he hasn’t given up on me. I don’t deserve him”

“Of course you deserve him. You deserve everything good that life can offer you. Don’t think like that, eh?”.

Noah hugged Hayden again, and Hayden was immensely grateful for the support of his brother and Quinn.

However, their support could do nothing to alter the fact that Hayden’s dreams were completely and utterly crushed.


	10. Chapter 10

The days went by and Hayden grew more and more devastated. He spent time with Quinn and Noah, but he was quickly slipping into a depression that threatened to swallow him completely.

Noah had already submitted his UCAS application and was waiting to hear back from his choices. Hayden was completely lost when it came to writing his application. He didn’t know what he wanted anymore. He didn’t know what the goal was.

It was a chilly morning in mid-October when Noah logged into his laptop to find a notification from UCAS. He had heard back from four of his choices now, and the only university left to hear from was Sheffield Hallam, his top choice. He anxiously logged into his UCAS account and his jaw dropped when he saw the unconditional offer. He was speechless for a few moments.

“Oh my gosh, yes!” Noah exclaimed excitedly, when he found his voice.

Hayden looked up from where he was sitting slouched at his desk, trying to get on with some homework that he had no motivation for.

“Did you get an offer?” Hayden asked hopefully.

“Unconditional” Noah replied.

Hayden rushed to his brother’s side to hug him.

“Congratulations!” he said.

Noah found himself tearing up at how happy he was. He wiped the tears from his eyes, hugging Hayden tightly.

“Bring on September” Noah said joyfully.

“I’m so happy for you” Hayden smiled.

He _was_ happy for Noah, but this news also brought a sense of dread as Hayden realised Noah’s future was now determined, whereas Hayden’s future continued to be clouded with uncertainty. Sooner or later the academic year would be over. Noah would be off to Sheffield Hallam, and Quinn would be almost certainly offered a place at York. The two people Hayden cared most about in this world would be off spreading their wings, realising their dreams. Hayden was pleased for them, but he was also jealous. And he was scared. Without Noah and Quinn he really would have nothing left. He wasn’t sure he could stand it if he didn’t get into any universities and had to stay living at home with his parents. If they were as harsh as they were towards Noah, criticising him for his chosen career path, then how much more critical would they be of _him_ if he failed to even get into university. He couldn’t tolerate these thoughts.

A few days later Quinn received a conditional offer to study at York. He was in the computer room with Hayden and Noah when he got the notification. Hayden did his best to seem happy, but Quinn could see right through his façade.

“We’re still going to be together. Wherever you end up studying, we can still talk every day. We can meet up. You’re not going to lose me” Quinn said softly to Hayden.

Hayden couldn’t believe that. Quinn was lovely and caring and the best friend Hayden had ever had, but he would certainly find better people at York. He wouldn’t want to be burdened with Hayden. Hayden didn’t _want_ to be a burden on him.

As Hayden and Noah settled into their beds that night, Hayden felt a clawing at his chest. It was worse than anything he had ever felt before. He sat up shakily.

Was the stress of everything giving him a heart attack?

Was he about to die?

“You okay?” Noah asked, having noticed Hayden’s distress.

“I… I… can’t… breathe” Hayden gasped.

Noah flicked on the light and hurried to Hayden’s side.

“What do you mean?” Noah asked, putting a hand on Hayden’s chest and listening to his breathing.

“I think I’m dying. I’m dying. Noah, please. I don’t know what to do. Help me. I’m scared. I can’t do this” Hayden said desperately.

Noah put a hand on Hayden’s face and looked into his eyes.

“Alright, alright, look at me… focus on me. You’re _not_ dying. I think this is a panic attack, okay? You’re going to be fine. Just focus on me”.

Noah felt for Hayden’s pulse in his neck.

“Your hearts beating much too fast. We need to try and slow it down. You have to work with me, okay? Try and match my breathing”

“Noah, I _can’t._ Please. I _can’t_ ”.

Noah looked around the room.

“I don’t think we’ve got a paper bag in here. Alright, alright, let’s try this” Noah cupped his hands and held them gently over Hayden’s mouth and nose. “Breathe into my hands. Okay, that should help. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth”.

Hayden managed to get control of his breathing for a few moments, but then was plunged back into hyperventilation again.

“Hayden you’re safe. I know you don’t feel it right now, but you are, I _promise_ you. Nothing is too big to handle. You’re not going through any of this on your own. You’ve always got me. Hey, it’s alright”.

Hayden was shaking violently now and Noah was lost as to what to do. He gently put his arm around his brother and held him close.

“Come on, Hayden. Just try and relax for me. Come on”.

Noah tried to get Hayden to breathe into his hands again but Hayden started to look drowsy, his eyes flickering.

“I’m… dying” Hayden murmured.

“No you’re not” Noah replied. “You’re just getting dizzy because you’re hyperventilating. It’s okay. I’m here. I’m looking after you”

“I don’t want to faint” Hayden said weakly.

“I know you don’t. I don’t want you to either. But if you _do_ , it’s going to be alright. I’m not going to leave you. I’m going to keep you safe. You’re breathing should regulate itself if you pass out. But if we can get your breathing to slow down _now_ , we might prevent that from happening”

“I’m… scared”

“I know you are. I know. But there’s nothing you need to be afraid of. You’re completely safe. And we’re going to get through this together”.

Hayden's head went limp very suddenly and Noah swore.

“Alright, alright, you’re okay. It’s okay”.

Noah lay Hayden flat on the bed and Hayden’s eyes flickered open again almost straight away. His breathing had slowed considerably.

“Hayden, you alright? Can you hear me?” Noah asked, checking Hayden’s pulse again, which was still fast.

“Mm” Hayden mumbled, trying to sit up.

“No, no, no, stay down. Don’t move”.

Noah gently held Hayden down. Noah frowned in concern as tears started to spill down Hayden’s cheeks.

“Tell me what’s wrong” Noah said softly.

“Everything” Hayden wept, clutching Noah’s arm.

Noah moved so that he could give Hayden a hug.

“We’re going to sort this Hayden”

“We _can’t_ sort it. Everything’s fallen apart. I can’t lose you and Quinn. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you both. I thought I didn’t need anyone. I thought all I needed was Oxbridge. I was so, so wrong”

“Oh Hayden. Listen to me, okay? Quinn and I were talking a while back and he suggested you apply to Sheffield Hallam. They do a Law course. You could still pursue the career you want. And we could rent somewhere together. I was a bit reluctant to suggest it to you because I thought you were quite set on being independent, but honestly I’m feeling the same as you. I’m scared of starting over somewhere new. Having you there with me would be a huge comfort. And Quinn won’t be far away from us. Yorkshire a lovely place; there’s so much to do and so many interesting cities. It’s got a good mix of quiet green areas and the hustle and bustle of city life. I reckon you’d love it”

“I thought you’d want to get as far away from me as possible”

“ _You_? No, not at all. Mum and Dad maybe, but not you. We get on well, don’t we?”.

Hayden nodded.

“I’ll help you out with your UCAS tomorrow. We’ll come up with a plan, okay? There’s no need to be scared”

“But what if I can’t even get into Sheffield Hallam?”

“You can still come to live in Sheffield with me. We’ll find you something to do. No matter what happens, no matter _what_ grades you get, you’ve always got a home with me. Please remember that”.

Hayden nodded, his breathing deep and even.

“Thank you” he murmured sleepily.

Noah squeezed Hayden’s arm and stayed at his side until Hayden drifted off to sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

The next day, Hayden was feeling much more settled. After school, Noah helped him with his UCAS application. Hayden already had a rough outline of his personal statement, so there wasn’t too much work to do.

“Let’s have a look at the course at Sheffield Hallam, and some other courses around the Yorkshire area” Noah said.

They browsed some university websites.

“See, look at this, the Hallam course has legal work experience in every year of the degree. You can even work abroad. They’ve got an on-campus law firm where you can work alongside practising lawyers and specialist academics. Oh, and see it says here ‘when you graduate, you won’t only have an accredited law degree - you’ll also have extensive legal work experience to support your qualification as a solicitor”.

“That sounds perfect” Hayden replied, taking a look at the course page.

It truly _was_ perfect. Hayden could hardly believe he hadn’t considered his university options more thoroughly in the first place.

A few days later, Hayden was able to submit his UCAS application, with Law at Sheffield Hallam as his first choice. He phoned up his parents to tell them the good news.

“Oh Hayden, you didn’t need to do that” Rebecca complained. “You could have at least applied for a Russell Group University. Why are you suddenly lowering yourself to somewhere like Sheffield Hallam? It’s adequate enough for Noah; he was never much of an academic, but _you._ Hayden, I think you’re making a huge mistake”.

Hayden bit his lip.

“No Mum. This is the best decision I’ve ever made. This is what I want”

“You’ve allowed yourself to be influenced by Noah and that friend of yours”

“They’ve helped me Mum. They haven’t influenced me. If it wasn’t for them, I’d be completely lost right now. I was in a panic. I was devastated by my grades. Noah and Quinn have shown me that I don’t need Oxbridge to be happy. I don’t need the Russell Group to be happy. There is so much more to life than everything I’ve ever lived for before”

“Perhaps for now. When it comes to you getting a job and setting yourself up for a solid future however, you need an exceptional degree from an exceptional university. I thought you _knew_ this Hayden”

“I _will_ get an exceptional degree from an exceptional university”

“I thought you were planning to go to Sheffield Hallam?”

“I am. Mum, their course is incredible. I’ll be able to gain a tremendous amount of legal experience. I’ve got the option of studying abroad. I’ll be able to make connections in the industry”

“If that’s what you want to tell yourself”.

When Rebecca hung up the phone, Hayden had to fight to control his breathing. He knew he had to do what he felt was right, and not let his parents views influence him. But it was incredibly hard. It was so, so hard.

“I take it they reacted as we expected” Noah said disappointedly.

Hayden was suddenly overwhelmed with anger and went to throw his phone at the wall, but Noah quickly took his arm and guided him to sit down.

“It’s alright. Hayden, you’re fine. Try and stay calm”

“I was so happy until I phoned them” Hayden put his head in his hands and burst into tears.

“I know you were. Try and hold onto that. You deserve to be happy”.

Noah held his brother close and Hayden managed to calm himself down.

A week later, Hayden checked his UCAS to find a conditional offer from Sheffield Hallam.

“You’ve just got to get 3 B’s and you’re in” Noah said.

He saw the anxiety on Hayden’s face.

“You can do it Hayden. You just need to make sure you don’t overwork yourself like you did last year. You need to take some time for _you._ Spend time with Quinn, or me, or any of the lads. Of course, set aside time to study. But don’t spend every waking hour revising. You’re going to be okay”.

Hayden nodded.

Noah and Quinn helped Hayden to devise a new weekly timetable. There was time for school, time for study, time for meals, time for getting out and about, and time to rest. Hayden’s life would no longer revolve entirely around his studies. As Quinn and Noah had taught him, there was so much more to life.

Over the next six months, Hayden connected with the beauty of life. He still felt a lot of anxiety around his studies. He was terrified of not getting his place confirmed at Sheffield Hallam, though he knew Noah and Quinn would be there for him regardless. Quinn taught him mindfulness and relaxation techniques, and the two of them would take a picnic blanket down to the lake and meditate. They listened to the sounds of nature all around them; birds twittering in the trees, the soft rumble of the water over the stones, the whoosh of the late afternoon breeze, and the buzzing of crickets. They pored over novels and poetry and had lengthy discussions. Hayden also spent more time with the other lads at Dollington Manor. He played a few rounds of tennis with Noah, Grayson, Arthur and Ezekiel. He was pretty hopeless at it, but it was a good workout, nonetheless. The boys were very patient with him, which Hayden appreciated. He also spent time playing Poker, Rummy, Blackjack, Canasta, Crazy Eights, German Whist and Cheat with Noah, Rupert, Grayson and Daniel in Hawthorn Cottage in the evenings.

In February, Noah, Hayden and Quinn had their eighteenth birthdays. They went out during the half term holiday with all of their friends to Sherry’s Nightclub, the local student hot spot. They had shots of Sourz and colourful cocktails, and shared food platters of sandwiches, nachos with guacamole, salsa and cheese, cocktail sausages and fries. The music playing ranged from 70’s rock to the latest hits: _Ballroom Blitz_ by Sweet, _Got My Mind Set on You_ by George Harrison, _Sweet Dreams_ by Eurythmics, _Time of Our Lives_ by Pitbull, _GDFR_ by Flo Rida. When _Low_ by Flo Rida started playing, the boys took to the dance floor to show off their moves. The rainbow lights reflected off of the silver floor. It was like being in a kaleidoscope. Hayden hadn’t expected to particularly enjoy the nightclub, but he found himself having the time of his life. “Think this is good? Just wait till we get to Sheffield!” Noah shouted over Fatman Scoop’s _Be Faithful_ , squeezing Hayden’s shoulder. Hayden grinned.


	12. Chapter 12

In May, it was time for the Year Thirteen boys of Dollington Manor to sit their exams. Hayden was feeling nervous but somewhat confident. He had returned to achieving his usual standard of high grades in his work. Noah and Quinn were also achieving exceptional grades.

Their exams went smoothly, and in July the boys celebrated the end of their time at Dollington Manor with a ball, sharing the space with the leavers of a local independent girls school Briony Hall. Noah had a dance with a lovely girl named Amelia who was going to be studying Pharmacology at Leeds in September. They exchanged numbers and promised to stay in contact. Hayden danced with Quinn. Hayden was surprisingly a much better dancer than sportsman, though he had never taken lessons.

At the end of July, Hayden and Quinn went away for the weekend to Paris. They stayed in a hotel, with a view of the city out of their bedroom window. They visited Notre Dame, the Sacre Coeur and went to the top of the Eiffel Tower, looking down at the glittering city below. They also went to the Louvre and crossed the bridges over the Seine, seeing the padlocks that loved-up couples had placed on the Pont des Arts.

Results Day came around quickly. Adrian and Rebecca weren’t at all interested in either of their sons’ grades this time. In their opinion, both Hayden and Noah had wasted their potential. Even if they both achieved straight A*’s, they wouldn’t be going to Oxbridge or the Russell Group, therefore there was nothing to celebrate. Hayden and Noah had already planned to celebrate whatever results they received with their friends, so they weren’t too hurt by their parents lack of support.

Hayden and Noah both woke up at the crack of dawn, excited to get their grades. Noah had an unconditional offer, so he would be able to attend Sheffield Hallam no matter what grades he received, however he was still nervous. Hayden had to achieve three B’s. He was hopeful that he had been able to do that this time.

The results were released at nine. Hayden video-called Quinn so that they could open their results at the same time. Noah and Hayden sat at their laptops, breathing deeply. They remembered last year, when Noah had been overjoyed at his results, only to face nothing but contempt from his parents, and Hayden had been devastated by his results.

“Whatever happens, it’s going to be okay” Noah said softly, and Hayden smiled.

They opened up their grades, Hayden squeezing his eyes shut, too scared to look.

“You tell me what I got Noah, I can’t look” Hayden said, putting his head in his hands.

Noah put his hand on Hayden’s shoulder.

“You’ve done it” he said.

Hayden looked up. Straight A*’s.

“Oh thank God” Hayden breathed out, relieved.

Noah had also received straight A*’s.

“Quinn?” Hayden asked.

“I’m in!” Quinn exclaimed. “York, here I come!”.

Hayden and Noah enjoyed a cooked English breakfast to celebrate. They hadn’t expected their parents to comment on their grades at all, but Rebecca gave them both a hug and a kiss and congratulated them. Adrian clapped them both on the back.

“You’ve done well boys” he said, and Hayden and Noah grinned.

In September, Noah and Hayden moved into their new flat in the centre of Sheffield, and Quinn moved into York’s Halls of Residence. Noah and Hayden’s flat was a decent size, with two bedrooms, a bathroom, a kitchen and a lounge. They had a view out of their window of the sparkling city. They made friends on their courses very quickly, and the nightlife was even better than they expected. Hayden and Noah both joined the Darts Society. Noah joined the Nursing Society and Tennis and Golf sports clubs. Hayden joined the Law and Advocacy and Reading Society. They were both very busy, but still had time to enjoy the city and to see Quinn as often as possible. Noah met up with Amelia and they had a day out together in Leeds seeing the sights, including Kirkstall Abbey and Harewood House. Noah and Hayden also met up with Arthur every so often, who was studying at Durham. Hayden, Noah, Quinn, Amelia, Arthur and Arthur’s new girlfriend Eileen from Durham enjoyed a day out together in Sheffield just before Christmas. They visited the Christmas Market and rode the Ferris Wheel and traditional Carousel. They went to Meadowhall Shopping Centre to buy their Christmas gifts and got a photo taken together inside the large snow globe. They had dinner in Frankie and Benny’s, consisting of pizza, burgers, fries, ice cream sundaes and Bailey’s coffee. Quinn, Amelia, Arthur and Eileen stayed at Hayden and Noah’s flat that night and they watched The Polar Express while drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows.

Hayden reflected on how his life had changed in the last year and a half. He never could have predicted he’d end up where he was today, but he wouldn’t change it for the world. He had everything he wanted here. He was thankful for the journey he had come on, for it had taught him to understand the beauty in life. As he looked at his brother and his friends sitting all around him, he felt a peace in his heart that was better than any feeling he had every felt in his life.

 _This_ was happiness.


End file.
